Take heart, soldier. Ben Stokes's team could be heading into the third Ashes Test now 2-0 down, but not all within the England setup is deterred. Exists one collective perfectly suited for this scenario, a dedicated unit who are arguably the supreme experts in defeat. Is optimism crushed? Do you feel the weight beneath the pressure of failed hopes? Then it's time, rally to the Barmy Army.
As we speak, their advance guard are moving in on Adelaide, the city where they first came together 30 years ago. England's iconic – and for their size most raucous – away supporters will be hoping for an celebratory against-all-odds victory, reminiscent of the one they celebrated on that mid-90s tour. But no matter the outcome on the pitch, off it the revelries will be extensive and boisterous.
"England's performance been extremely disappointing," he admits, "yet we're the lucky ones, because we're on holiday. It's probably harder for the people at home."
Even Bazball's nuclear implosion fails to deter this crew of hardened veterans. They've been observing England's innings meltdowns since before the latest star were born. They've observed more fielding errors than key pacemen have international dismissals. Their touring history as an Ashes touring group reads: played 37, lost 27, won 6. Those who understand how to survive a series sweep, it's the long-standing fans.
Without a doubt, on television, the Barmy Army appear to be everywhere during this Ashes. TV directors at the grounds sometimes appear keener to feature the Barmies than on their own fans. Sports networks often use them as banter-primed buildup to a day's play. Remarkably the athletes on the field give them a wave, as a supporter portraying a royal figure starting a singing of a well-known tune.
One could argue that the Barmy Army's mix of history and visibility has now masked quite how extraordinary their takeover of away support has been. Three decades ago a small group followers were united in good-natured mockery of their team at England's woeful away record. Now their legacy is so intertwined with the national team that their vibrant, "unique" crowd is practically an accepted institution. They've undoubtedly come a far since the early days.
One veteran recalls the excited anticipation of the opening day of that pioneering tour. After the Australians making a strong start, he led a modest conga in the stands, teasing the home fans with a chant about historical figures. "The Aussie fans jeered at us, then threw drink containers – the stuff that we sometimes receive today," he recalls. "However when we got back our small band of England followers had all joined in."
After defeat, England's tour suffered more defeats. Those following the team around the country was considered truly dedicated. When it came to the later Tests their crowd had swelled to the hundreds. The players, however, genuinely enjoyed their support at the grounds. When England managed a face-saving victory, a team captain summoned a supporter up to the victory celebration to lead the revelry. This connection remains.
Additionally, the large crowds the Barmy Army can conjure are as attractive to the cricket authorities as they are to overseas venues. For this series alone, their official tours will accommodate thousands of supporters. All kinds of events are scheduled for the 30th anniversary.
This is, in the end, an group born of cricketing passion and entrepreneurial spirit. The reason they mark their founding to a particular match is because that was when they started producing branded clothing. The limited early stock was so quickly sold out – and profitable – that it began a lasting enterprise. Since then, the co-founders have helped turn a fan community into an respected tour operator.
That carries its own challenges, especially at a time when sport is trying to lose some of its rowdy image. The Barmy Army's directors are quick to note that a growing percentage of their supporters on tour are now female. As times have changed, the chants have had to get cleaner, too. "Things that were acceptable 30 years ago you cannot utter today, and that's as it should be," says a spokesperson. "It's not possible to tell someone how to behave in their own space, but we won't support songs that are insulting."
Could the Barmy Army mellow naturally? The average supporter age is now in middle age – similar to the original members, who have been content to distance themselves from the daily operation. One founder is experiencing this tour purely as a punter – leaving a fresh team to run the Barmy Army's digital presence. "It's easy to overlook how difficult it used to be to communicate with each other," he laughs. "We used to do it all by word of mouth – 'everyone's going to the pub!'"
Regarding England's plight, the impossible dream of a 3-2 turnaround persists, which is typical of their spirit indeed. And if England are defeated in Adelaide … well, South Africa next Christmas awaits.
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